Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
