the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We left the knife in your bed.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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