I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
