I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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