I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
