all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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