Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
