he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
