i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
