I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
