I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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