Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
