I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
