I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
