Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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