the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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