Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
