I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
