yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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