Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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