I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
