No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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