Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
