I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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