It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
