The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I FOUND THE LEGS
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
