adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
