I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
