we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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