If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
