Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
