Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
