so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
