moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
