the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
