I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
