I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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