I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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