I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
