I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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