fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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