I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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