just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
