bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize