I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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