there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
