I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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