I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
