dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
