I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
