like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
