This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
