i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
