...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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