you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
