I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
